Janine, this is a really important topic that you've covered with empathy and grace. Many people want to help the grieving person they love, but just don't know what to do. If I was going to spend the holidays with family and friends (we're not this year) I would want them to read this.
My husband and I have found we really need to have a plan for holidays and milestone days. You have a lot of good ideas here. Thanks for writing this.
I'm glad this helps, Tina. I do think a plan helps because then I'm not taken by surprise. I have been caught in the crossfires of grief unexpectedly and it opens too many wounds. The most impactful plan/ritual/guide/self-care for me has been carving out that quiet time to be with my son in the way that serves me best. To feel his presence and have a conversation--whether by talking out loud to him, sitting at his spot, drawing, or writing a letter. I feel that spiritual connection and I hold onto that precious feeling throughout the day.
We all have different experiences so it makes sense that we create out own paths to healing during these vulnerable moments. May you find the ones that serve you and your husband best. ❤️
My husband and I are missing our son especially right now - his birthday is November 27. He would have been three.
It is really hard to balance time with family, it can be tough to be around people but it’s also nice to be around people. I think reserving the right to change plans last minute can be helpful. I find it hard to predict what I am going to need in the moment!
Happy early Birth Day to your beautiful boy, Amy. I agree. Those contrasts of feelings can be tough. We want to be around our family because the love feels good, but then it makes the loss of our children that much more obvious. It hurts.
The advice of reserving the right to change plans at the last minute is a good one. Letting family and friends know that it's a possibility is a good idea. To know that you can do that and they understand is really priceless.
Thank you for offering that and sending you extra hugs and support for this upcoming birthday. ❤️
Yes! Especially when reminded that I am a little tender and might need to take space, family is very very understanding that my participation might be different.
Thank you Janine for your piece. So full of excellent information. For those of us who are grieving & the people who want to help & don’t know what to do. (or not do or say!) I appreciate you sharing what you do to honor Nick. I wanted to say how much I love the picture of Nick & Stephen. I always enjoy seeing photographs. Both of them have beautiful eyes & smiles. Someone already mentioned reserving the right to change plans. I use that frequently. How many times I have wanted to go & at the last minute, had to cancel. Or get where I’m going & when things get too crowded, loud, etc. I have to leave. Most everyone is aware of that now & it’s a given for me. No one try’s to talk me out of my decision. Thank you for reading your piece. I always listen if I have that choice.
Julia, I'm glad this resonates. Thank you for your kind words. My boys were always together at 2 years apart so I have many photos of them together.
I appreciate the tip of also reserving the right to leave and being ok with it. I think when we talk about grief and let people know how we really feel and what we need, it helps everyone. Sending peace and hugs during this holiday season. ❤️
“sometimes like a tired child, it begs to be lifted into my arms again.”
What a wonderful way of expressing the ebb and flow of grief. As I approach the 9th holiday season and anniversary of my son’s death, I am approaching that tenderness and begging.
Just giving you a big hug in this time. I appreciate that you share from your experience and it's incredibly helpful for those who haven't felt the depths of loss as you have. thank you for transforming your hurts to compassion and wisdom you are willing to give to others.
Appreciate that, Megan. It has taken a long time and some distance from my loss but it's important for me to pass on the message that there can be hope, love, and laughter alongside and often mixed with sadness, pain, and despair. ❤️
Hi Janine - I'm just reading this article. It's so relevant as we're inundated with holiday messages. I love the idea of changing locations and activities. The change of scenery was helpful when we moved to D.C. the year after Henry's death.
I love this ❤️✨. Every word resonates with me as this holiday season approaches. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you. Holding space for you during the upcoming holidays. ❤️
Beautiful empathy in action. Thanks for this, Janine. Great 'how-to' advice for us all in any situation. xo
Janine, this is a really important topic that you've covered with empathy and grace. Many people want to help the grieving person they love, but just don't know what to do. If I was going to spend the holidays with family and friends (we're not this year) I would want them to read this.
My husband and I have found we really need to have a plan for holidays and milestone days. You have a lot of good ideas here. Thanks for writing this.
I'm glad this helps, Tina. I do think a plan helps because then I'm not taken by surprise. I have been caught in the crossfires of grief unexpectedly and it opens too many wounds. The most impactful plan/ritual/guide/self-care for me has been carving out that quiet time to be with my son in the way that serves me best. To feel his presence and have a conversation--whether by talking out loud to him, sitting at his spot, drawing, or writing a letter. I feel that spiritual connection and I hold onto that precious feeling throughout the day.
We all have different experiences so it makes sense that we create out own paths to healing during these vulnerable moments. May you find the ones that serve you and your husband best. ❤️
My husband and I are missing our son especially right now - his birthday is November 27. He would have been three.
It is really hard to balance time with family, it can be tough to be around people but it’s also nice to be around people. I think reserving the right to change plans last minute can be helpful. I find it hard to predict what I am going to need in the moment!
Happy early Birth Day to your beautiful boy, Amy. I agree. Those contrasts of feelings can be tough. We want to be around our family because the love feels good, but then it makes the loss of our children that much more obvious. It hurts.
The advice of reserving the right to change plans at the last minute is a good one. Letting family and friends know that it's a possibility is a good idea. To know that you can do that and they understand is really priceless.
Thank you for offering that and sending you extra hugs and support for this upcoming birthday. ❤️
Yes! Especially when reminded that I am a little tender and might need to take space, family is very very understanding that my participation might be different.
That understanding is precious.
Thank you Janine for your piece. So full of excellent information. For those of us who are grieving & the people who want to help & don’t know what to do. (or not do or say!) I appreciate you sharing what you do to honor Nick. I wanted to say how much I love the picture of Nick & Stephen. I always enjoy seeing photographs. Both of them have beautiful eyes & smiles. Someone already mentioned reserving the right to change plans. I use that frequently. How many times I have wanted to go & at the last minute, had to cancel. Or get where I’m going & when things get too crowded, loud, etc. I have to leave. Most everyone is aware of that now & it’s a given for me. No one try’s to talk me out of my decision. Thank you for reading your piece. I always listen if I have that choice.
Julia, I'm glad this resonates. Thank you for your kind words. My boys were always together at 2 years apart so I have many photos of them together.
I appreciate the tip of also reserving the right to leave and being ok with it. I think when we talk about grief and let people know how we really feel and what we need, it helps everyone. Sending peace and hugs during this holiday season. ❤️
This is a lovely, helpful essay. I wonder, do you listen to Anderson Cooper's podcast about grief?
Thank you. I know of his podcast but haven't listened to it. Will check it out.
Thank you. I especially liked ~
“sometimes like a tired child, it begs to be lifted into my arms again.”
What a wonderful way of expressing the ebb and flow of grief. As I approach the 9th holiday season and anniversary of my son’s death, I am approaching that tenderness and begging.
Thank you, Sally and so very sorry about your son. My heart hurts for you. Sending you love and comfort as you navigate this grief journey. ❤️
Thank you Janine~ glad to be connected💕
Just giving you a big hug in this time. I appreciate that you share from your experience and it's incredibly helpful for those who haven't felt the depths of loss as you have. thank you for transforming your hurts to compassion and wisdom you are willing to give to others.
Appreciate that, Megan. It has taken a long time and some distance from my loss but it's important for me to pass on the message that there can be hope, love, and laughter alongside and often mixed with sadness, pain, and despair. ❤️
i get that! it’s not a line but a spiral with layers. I see the work and allowance you’ve done to be here and honor it.
Love 'spiral with layers.' Kind of reminds me of my logo for this Substack. ☺️
Hi Janine - I'm just reading this article. It's so relevant as we're inundated with holiday messages. I love the idea of changing locations and activities. The change of scenery was helpful when we moved to D.C. the year after Henry's death.
Hi, I hope you had a peaceful Thanksgiving and that your holiday is filled with love and signs of Henry.
I can absolutely see how that change of scenery for you helped on many levels.
We do the best we can and learn along the way from our experiences and others. Grateful for this space so we can learn together. ❤️