How to Support Grieving Family and Friends During the Holidays
Creating a Loving Space and Remembering Those Not at the Table
Thank you for joining me in The Pause Place. Holding space for you in grief, feelings of loss, and your journey toward hope.
For more on my story, read The Pause Place.
Holidays.
October through December are whirlwind months of connecting with family, traveling, baking, cooking, shopping, and celebrating.
The holidays are magical moments of family time.
Holidays.
A time of uncertainty, sadness, milestones. Not knowing how to BE/THINK/ACT when missing a loved one who has died or isn’t able to spend time with the family.
The holidays are painful reminders of who’s missing.
What I’ve learned after missing my dad for 27 years and my son for 16 is that it’s OK to have a wide array of emotions during the holidays or any time of the year for that matter.
Yet the holidays add this pressure.
How can you feel comfortable around those you love when you’re not feeling as jovial as everyone else?
How can you honor and remember your loved one at the table or celebration?
How do you move forward when the life you treasured is no longer the same?
When I first lost Nick, I worried about not breaking down at every milestone and remembering him at family celebrations. The emotional turmoil made me sick to my stomach. I loved my family, wanted to be with them. Yet I couldn’t revel in the festivities that reminded me so much of Nick and what he was missing—what we would never have again as a family.
Through some quiet time, journaling, and years of walking alongside grief, I have learned to navigate my loss. I also understand that each situation, loss, and stretches of time impact the feelings and ways to honor and remember our loved ones.
Navigating loss is highly unique to everyone. How you hold your loved one in your heart and remember them is your personal journey.
These ideas are personal to me but some also have been shared by others during their grief journeys.
Here are some ways to walk alongside grief during the holidays:
Place a table setting for that person. It’s a way to hold their space and energy. I wasn’t ready for a few years to not have a space for my son. Yes, it was a reminder that he was missing but it also was a way to remember him.
Display a photo and light a candle. I have a remembrance table displaying my loved ones all year long. On holidays, milestones, or when I need to feel their presence, I light a candle. Nick is there with his grandfathers, grandmother, and our dogs. It brings them into the room for me.
If you’re going to a family member’s house and this is important to you, let them know. Be willing to bring a photo and candle if that’s how you’d like to honor/remember someone.
We go to my sister, Michele’s, house for Thanksgiving. She lights a candle in remembrance. It’s a tiny act but packs a huge amount of love that I feel throughout the day.
Serve their favorite food, drink, or dessert.
Nick loved lasagna and cream puffs.
Go around the table and share what you love about that person.
Get involved with a local charity and support them on a day that brings you sadness (if that’s something you’re emotionally and physically ready for).
Giving often heals but your self-care must come first.
Get in some movement.
Go for a walk.
Join a holiday run.
Attend a yoga class.
Go to the gym.
Ride a bike.
Switch up your holiday and do something you never did with that family member. Travel, go to a friend’s house, eat a different meal, try an activity you always wanted to do.
Instead of having a large Thanksgiving meal one month after losing Nick, we went to a local hotel that had a huge slide and indoor water park with my sister, her husband, and two daughters. The shift in location temporarily eased some of the heartache.
Look at photos, videos, and scrapbooks. Sometimes it’s less painful in a safe and loving group.
Write a note to your loved one. The morning of any holiday, big milestone, and Nick’s birthday, I sit in a quiet place, usually before anyone else is awake. I light a candle, brew some tea, and think about my boy. I may write about what we have planned for the day, who is going to be there, where we’re going. I used to write about what I think Nick would be doing but I don’t need that glimpse into that past because what his spirit is doing is exactly right for him. I’ll let him know what his little brother has been up to, some family news, and how much I miss him.
This simple act of writing brings him closer to me. As I write, I always cry and feel a flood of sadness and grief that he’s missing another family gathering. This is part of my process because once I’m done, I feel like I had a beautiful visit with my son. I’m emotionally ready to be present and enjoy the day with those gathered.
For loved ones of those on a grief journey, you can support them by:
Inviting them over. They may feel isolated by their grief. Love and connection are soothing balms.
Asking what support looks like to them?
Being sensitive to a person’s grief journey. We grieve differently and their journey should be honored.
Understanding that grief never leaves us. I’ve learned to walk alongside it but sometimes like a tired child, it begs to be lifted into my arms again.
If appropriate and feels right, asking them to share a story about their loved one.
What’s their name? (You may have just met someone grieving.)
What was their favorite food?
Tell a holiday story about the two of you or with your family.
Ask to see a photo of them.
Be present and stay compassionately curious, keeping them at the center of your care.
Let them know of a story you remember or a dream you had of their loved one.
Light a candle in that person’s memory.
Listen to them with a whole heart.
Often no words are needed in return.
A warm hug at the door eases the worry.
A smile during the meal releases tension.
A hand on the shoulder or squeeze of their hand gives reassurance.
Create a safe and comforting space for them.
Show your tears.
What I have found comforting to hear is:
I’m holding space for you in your time of sadness.
I see you and I hear you, even if I can’t understand what you’re going through.
I miss them too.
Do Not:
Share a story of your loss that is meant to show that theirs could be worse.
That doesn’t make them feel better, just unheard and unseen.
Give advice based on someone else’s similar situation (unless asked for guidance).
Say, “Everything happens for a reason.”
That may be your belief but it’s very difficult for a grieving person (especially a parent) to hear this.
Say, “Well at least…
You had him for 13 years.”
He’s no longer suffering.”
Time heals all wounds.”
You have other children.”
Try to fix a person’s grief.
You can’t.
Know that it’s OK if someone grieving is sad or cries. We are humans who feel emotions on a soul level. The world is not easy.
A simple act of kindness, compassion, and empathy goes a long way.
Your grieving traditions may change with the years and holidays. It’s OK when a bubble of laughter escapes, a smile tickles your mouth, or warmth touches your heart. The rollercoaster of emotions, the ebb and flow of memories wreak havoc on our feelings during holidays but that doesn’t stop life, nor should it.
I’ve learned that this duality of joy/sorrow, happiness/sadness, laughter/crying, loving those around me while missing the one I love is part of life.
May you have peace and comfort this holiday season. May you feel joy even in the midst of your sorrow.
If you feel called to:
What ways do you remember your loved ones during the holidays?
What actions or words from others have soothed your heart during these difficult times?
What gentle advice could you give to others on what doesn’t help?
Please ❤️ and Share so that others who need to read/hear this can find it.
Let’s Connect: Always happy to hear from you. Feel free to share stories or how this resonates. All thoughts are welcome.
My husband and I are missing our son especially right now - his birthday is November 27. He would have been three.
It is really hard to balance time with family, it can be tough to be around people but it’s also nice to be around people. I think reserving the right to change plans last minute can be helpful. I find it hard to predict what I am going to need in the moment!
Janine, this is a really important topic that you've covered with empathy and grace. Many people want to help the grieving person they love, but just don't know what to do. If I was going to spend the holidays with family and friends (we're not this year) I would want them to read this.
My husband and I have found we really need to have a plan for holidays and milestone days. You have a lot of good ideas here. Thanks for writing this.