What's Behind the Costume
Grieving is Never a Treat
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Halloween, that Time Between Times when the veil between us and our loved ones is thinnest. When we release our imagination and show off a part of ourselves. Perhaps that costume is someone we keep close to our heart or a bigger desire that we’re striving for. Or just a fun costume that makes someone laugh. It could be a connection to someone you love.
In our family, Halloween was always a huge celebration.
It was the end of a gorgeous fall colored month, numerous birthday celebrations, and that joy ride into the cooler weather. I always dressed up for Halloween. When my boys were little we had a bin full of costumes as they loved to dress up and act.
I would be right there with them.
They’d have their costumes for their school parade. We’d visit their grandmother at the nursing home where she worked as a nurse. We’d visit our neighbors and go to parties. At night, we’d eat our slices of pizza. Nick and Stephen would separate their candies and negotiate pieces between themselves. Nick loved Double Bubble and Stephen loved anything with peanut butter.
Sadly, when Nick passed, the funeral and his burial landed on Halloween. I was quite numb to how this fun and creative holiday would become ladened with sadness.
I remember standing outside on Halloween night, feeling lost. I stared up at the full moon and wondered where my boy was.
If he was OK. If he missed us. And how I would go on.
Inside, my mom, siblings, my sister-in-law, and their children gathered around my Stephen. It was important for him to know that life could go on. So they dressed up in costumes that I don’t recall and went trick or treating.
As we walked in front of my house, a man pointed at it not realizing that the owner was right behind him.
He said, “That’s the home where the boy just died. I can’t believe they are giving out candy.”
I clearly remember my sister-in-law grabbing my arm and stopping me from saying anything.
She said to me, “They don’t understand.”
No, they didn’t. That would be a statement that has continued to this day. No one understands how another person grieves. What days matter or don’t matter around anniversaries.
No one understands why someone desperately needs to dress up in a costume and remember a tradition that was so enjoyable to her deceased son.
Just like on every milestone, holiday, and anniversary, I sit with Nick and journal.
We reminisce. We hold sacred and honor the thread that ties our souls together. And as I wrote in Dream Travels last week, I invite him to visit when the veils between our worlds are at their thinnest.
We don’t know what may be behind a mask, a costume, or tradition.
When I see someone grieving in a certain way, I send them love.
It’s not important to understand how they grieve, but it is very important to give them space to grieve in a way that soothes their broken heart.
Sending Halloween love to all and may you celebrate (or not) in the way that serves your heart and soul best.
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