There isn't a Time Limit to Letting Go
Ways to Honor and Release Our Loved One's Possessions
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I’ve written about how hard it was to let go of anything that connected me to my son, Nick, in Moving Past the Stuff, Sharing the Memories. It offers a compassionate hand for you and what supported me in that process.
There isn’t a time limit on Letting Go, just as there isn’t an expiration to Grief. Grief becomes a part of you. It may shift and change, but it’s never completely gone.
Over the years, I have slowly gone through Nick’s clothes, school papers, awards, and knick knacks. For 17 years, I have kept his whittling box filled with his tools, twigs, and wood that he so excitedly carved.
Nick began whittling when he turned 12. The husband of a friend of mine carved and offered to teach Nick. He’d pick up Nick, and they’d go to the local senior center. There would sit charismatic Nick with the seniors who easily made him one of them. Nick would cut his fingers, even when wearing gloves, but he kept at it. He’d tell Eric what he wanted to carve. Then Eric would make a couple samples at different stages of completion, in addition to a finished one. Nick would emulate the cuts.
I’d catch him whittling outside or at his desk surrounded by his supplies and shavings. Nick was incredibly creative with his hands and imagination. He craved creating.
Nick’s big desire was to carve images on a walking stick. He loved the outdoors and had gone to an overnight adventure camp, climbing trees, and sitting around the campfire.
I see Nick walking in the woods in his hiking boots and vest with multiple pockets. He has a camera, a stone in one of the pockets, pine cones or anything else he is curious about. He proudly uses his walking stick, and it forms perfectly to his hand.
When Nick was diagnosed with leukemia, Eric came to the house to help him carve. Unfortunately, Nick was often too exhausted. A cut to his finger could become a disastrous infection. It was a creative outlet that was taken from him.
I have opened and closed this toolbox probably once a year. I’ve moved it from room to room. I’ve asked his cousins if they have an interest but they don’t. That’s OK.
Recently, I placed the box in my car thinking I’d bring it to the senior center in case they still have a carving group. I lost touch with Eric who lovingly gave Nick his prized Viking carving you see in the first photo. He cared enough for my son to give him these precious experiences.
When I look at these carvings, I think of his kindness and also of Nick’s vibrant creativity.
Why is it so hard to let go of these things that they loved but don’t matter to them now?
They hold the energy of that person. They are a reminder of their lived experiences.
When I pick up the wood that Nick held, I feel like it’s a part of him.
I took these photos today and removed the toolbox from my car where it has been sitting for a month.
Remember what I said about Grief and Letting Go timelines and expiration dates? They don’t exist here. Nick’s stuff rode around with me for a while.
This time, when I held the pieces of wood, I felt lighter.
I didn’t cry as I usually do. I plan to burn the pieces of wood and let the energy of the memories create new possibilities for my spirit son.
I also asked my creative niece to paint a boot and dog that were unfinished. I’ll put those with the others on Nick’s bookshelf.
I kept his pencil to draw with and give me inspiration. My husband decided that he wanted to keep the tools in his garage.
Letting Go of items that belonged to someone you love can be very difficult. It can feel impossible to donate, give to someone or even throw away.
Your heart and body will tell you when you’re ready. Listen to it.
Some Tips on Letting Go:
Have someone you trust help you.
Pick a small area like a drawer or a corner and set a timer. Have boxes with Keep, Donate, Give to Someone, and a bag for trash. Go through that area and put items in one of the boxes or bag. When the time is done, stop.
Keep box: if it ends up on a shelf, mark it with a date a few months or years later where you may want to go through it again.
Donate Box: Have that friend bring the box to a local non-profit. It feels good to know that someone else can use it.
Give to Someone Box: Leave it up to the person to decide if they want it or not. Give it unconditionally so that the person doesn’t hold guilt if at some point they outgrow a shirt and no longer wish to keep it. If they don’t want the item, decide to donate or give to someone else.
Have a quilt made of shirts.
Take photos of the items and store them on your phone in a file or put on your computer.
Print them out and journal about the memories if that is available to you at the moment.
Put a special hat or shirt in a frame.
Stop at any time it feels too much.
Care for yourself in that moment–however you feel held.
Watch The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning to get ideas of how to create memory boxes of a few items that personify what that person means to you. It’s based on the book by Margareta Magnusson.
NOTE: They talk with people who have lost a loved one, so this may be emotionally jarring for you. Please care for yourself and know that the book is available.
No matter where you are in your Grief and Letting Go journey, know that I’m holding space for you to do what is best for your highest good.
I wonder how you care for yourself when it hurts to let go?
What have you done with some of your loved one’s items that perhaps can be an inspiration to others?
What would you do with the walking sticks?
Please share in the comments. You never know who you may help.
Let’s Connect: Always happy to hear from you. Feel free to share stories or how this resonates. All thoughts are welcome.
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Beautiful, heartfelt ideas, Janine. Thanks for sharing. xo