Moving Past the Stuff, Sharing the Memories

How to Let go of Our Loved One's Belongings and Physical Reminders

Thank you for joining me in The Pause Place. Holding space for you in grief, feelings of loss, and your journey toward hope.

For more on my story, read The Pause Place.

I'm a memory hoarder. Even before my son died, I held onto everything. Took photos of each moment. I have so many pictures of Nick and Stephen arm-in-arm.

Stephen (L), Nick (R) with his dragon decor in the background.

They are precious now. I remember at Nick’s service, how everyone looked through his scrapbooks, able to capture the heart of our family bond and love for one another. The vibrancy and joy of Nick.

Immediately I gave t-shirts and some items of Nick’s to his cousins or best friends. His brother could have whatever he wanted.

I held onto Nick’s jeans for years, still have his Yankees shirt that I wear occasionally, and memorialized his NY Yankees hat in a display box.

Beautiful way to memorialize an item.

It took over a year, maybe more, to remove his bed and most of his belongings from his room. It wasn’t an easy process and my friend, Karen, removed Nick’s sheets and helped with the extra hard tasks.

The amount of paper and stuff feels like a heavy weight. Like I'm carrying so much. It's hard to stay in the here and now.

I’ve opened bins and closed them back up. Nick's toddler denim jacket, wall decor (I thought I'd keep it for when we had grandchildren in the house), toys, trophies, his collection of rocks.

I've worked through some of it. Given items away that were very much appreciated, donated, recycled, or made the leap and thrown items out.

I have been struggling with holding on and removing Nick’s stuff for 17 years.

I wrote a letter to Nick at the end of a Dream Teacher and Healing training:

You may ask, “What’s the harm in holding onto these items if they aren’t hurting anyone?”

The problem is they were. They were preventing me from moving forward and creating space for possibility.

Since that time, I have continued to clear out, but over the last few months, I have felt an urgency to clear out, create space, to be curious and explore.

I desire that physical and emotional space with and blocks of time to go deep into my creativity.

The stuff stops me.

Why is it so hard to separate from things? Yes, they hold onto the energy of that person, they shift us back to a specific moment, and we feel all those deep emotions connected to the ones we love.

For me, it had to do with not forgetting and losing more of Nick than I already had physically. Even back in 2010, I knew this but hadn’t even touched the surface of the loss that broke my heart only two years earlier.

Now I'm at this point where energetically my relationship with Nick has grown and changed. I see him in the swoop of the hawk, the rising and setting of the sun, the glimmer of a rainbow, the unfurling of the sunflower.

I see him in his brother's gestures and love of soccer, video games, and feel him in his warm hugs. I see him every time I look in the mirror, in my smiles, the color of my eyes, the curl of my hair. I know he’s hanging with his dad when he’s tinkering with his motorcycles.

He's all around, and the more I release the things that physically hold him here, the more I feel him within me.

Does it make it any easier?

A little.

Not always.

Depends on the item and the time of year.

I've read Max Paxton's book, Keep the Memories and Lose the Stuff multiple times over the last three years.

It's a slow process, but Paxton suggests a few ways to release the stuff and hold the memories that resonated with me:

Do a Little at a Time.

• Even 10 minutes a day. Have a set amount of time during the week or weekend that works for you. Set a timer and when the time is up, decide if you wish to continue or be done.

Have Support.

• Perhaps there’s someone else who is in a similar situation or simply wants to clear their house. Or they have done clearing on their own and can hold space for you.

• My sister, Michele, and I connect each weekend to see what we're clearing next in our own houses. We are gently accountable and encourage one another when it gets tougher to stick to the task or time.

Land in the Present.

• This is something I’m adding because looking back causes a disconnect to the beauty and joy of the here and now.

• When you’re done clearing and releasing, do something that ties you back to the present.

• Care for you.

  • I connect with the elements and nature by going for a walk. Sitting and letting the sun warm me.

  • I’ll take a bath.

  • Have tea with a friend.

  • I connect with my earth son.

  • Bring humor and laughter into my day.

Journal the Memories and Feelings

• Write about where you are in the process of clearing out.

• Check-in:

  • How are you feeling in this moment?

  • What are these items bringing up?

  • What stories surface?

• What do you wish to remember about this time?

  • Bringing in the sensory details

  • Full names, addresses, places

Share those Memories

• Paxton explains that there's nostalgia with these memories.

• When we take the time to sit with them and share them with another person, we understand that our stories matter. We want to know that our life has purpose. There’s a release to sharing the memories with another person or into the world.

• My sister and I send before and after photos. It gives us a sense of accomplishment and motivation. Plus, it's a way to share the memories since we have so many of them together.

That's what I'm doing with you today, and I hope that you'll hold space for me as I share these tidbits of Nick.

School Papers

I've had this bin of the boys' kindergarten through first grade memories that I hadn’t placed in scrapbooks yet. It had their Alphabet Celebration, stories they wrote, class photos, and awards. Each year, I'd ask their teachers to write to each of them--what stood out, what they hoped for. I’d place those notes in their scrapbooks.

Here are some of Nick's notes from his teachers and other items that show his spirit and joys.

Notes from Nick's Teacheres

This is Nick’s autobiography from 1st grade. You learn so much about him from what he loved: Drawing, wanting to be an artist. His favorite color which never changed. His love of Spiderman and superheroes and mythology. The photo shows his brilliant smile that warmed all the teachers’ hearts, even when he couldn’t sit still or his mind was off on imaginative adventures.

Nick’s 1st Grade Autobiography

When I pulled these out this weekend, at first they filled me with sadness. Such a huge loss of an incredibly talented and energetic child. We’ll never know how he would have changed the world or left his mark.

But as I write and share this with you, I know the impact he has had. When I see his teachers, they express how much he is missed. People call me when they have dreams of him. The foundation I ran in his name for 12 years has had rippling effects that still make a difference. His spirit soars, and Nick always lets me know when he’s around. His stories keep him in my heart.

I hope you’ll share how this resonates with you and what stands out. It would mean so much to me.

That is what holds us up when we have had such a huge loss. Acknowledging the person.

Holding space for us as we remember. . . and then. . . let go.

There is no right or wrong way to let go of the physical items of our loved ones. If it feels heavy, there’s a reason for it.

The layers of grief are thick.

If you’re ready, perhaps try what I offered and feel free to share photos and tag me. I will absolutely hold space for you and bask in the wonder of your memories.

Let’s Connect: Always happy to hear from you. Feel free to share stories or how this resonates. All thoughts are welcome.

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