Letters to My Son: From Loss to Hope 💛

An Exploratory Memoir: Why Here, Why Now

Thank you for joining me in Letters to My Son: From Loss to Hope. This is my exploratory memoir-in-progress about losing my son to leukemia and how I came back to hope and a life of joy. Because of the vulnerable nature of this writing and opportunity for Outsider Witness feedback, this is for paid subscribers only.

💛 If you’re a parent who has lost a child and would like a three-month subscription, please DM me on Substack so I can send you a code. 💛

Welcome to Pathways of Connection: Fostering Curiosity and Connection Through Journaling, Dream Guidance, and Storytelling.

Read Here to learn more about me, how we can connect, and why journaling is such an integral part of my life.

Audio is below behind the paywall.

Content Warning: Loss of a child, Cancer

Nick’s Hollywood eyes. (photo by author)

Hi Lovely Reader,

Journaling is my through line for life.

It has saved me, allowed me space to explore, create, remember, and reflect. So when I finally became pregnant with my first son after two years of trying and fertility meds, I wished to record it all.

That journal to Nick grew to include his little brother, Stephen, our lives together, extended family happenings, world events, and thoughts on life. Over the past 30 years, it has shifted to scrapbooking, computer entries, back to handwriting in a journal with occasional pictures and paper mementos.

When Nick was diagnosed with leukemia at age 12, I used my journal to record tests, mishaps, setbacks, chemotherapy names, vitals, but barely my emotions. It was as if I had to stuff my fears, doubts, and emotions into a deep well in order to function and make life-saving decisions.

Over the past 17 years, I have floundered with the loss of my first-born. There were many times when I wondered if I wanted to continue living. Yes, even with another child to love, the weight of my grief threatened to pull me under.

My journal is my lifeboat.

My constant companion that doesn’t judge, holds space for me, accepts me exactly as I am, and doesn’t try to fix me. It has saved my life many times.

That’s not to say that journaling was the only thing that has helped me along my grief journey. There have been many paths toward healing. I’ve been at it long enough to know that the slightest reminder or milestone will send me to tears.

Why Write This Now:

Grief is a practice.

Like anything else we explore, it takes work, care, grace, and beginning again to understand how to navigate it.

Do we become experts on grief?

I don’t think so.

But that’s why I’m writing in memoir form.

To understand what has helped and supported me so that I can hold space for another who has suffered a life-altering loss. To make meaning of this loss. It doesn’t have to be the loss of a child but this is what I’m focusing on for this journey.